Life is an endless
road……
Dreaded, everything became fuzzy; her vision had become
blurry, people running around her, saying stuff, some serious shit and that’s
when her subconscious mind realized that these were people dressed in white.
Every single inch of her body could feel the pain rising, the pain that had
been instigated inside her. Strange even through her numbness she could feel
shooting pain rising, killing her, stabbing her and everything else In between.
Lying on the stretcher she was saying a different prayer, rather than survival
she said “I am letting go and this time it has to be”, and kept repeating the
same thing in her heart.
But the question was what made her push her limits to this
extent?
Her past……
She had been a naïve and ideal girl growing up; at least she
tried to be. Families are supposed to
knit altogether but sometimes they become the reason for unreasonable
suffering. She showed acceptance but all
her bearing came to a standstill the day she fell for him and she couldn’t deny
it.
He made her long for him, beg for his precious time and in
the end just remain lamenting. She is guilty and hates the fact that’s she
finds her solace in his arms. He beats her patience down and then swept her
away like a day’s old trash. They tried explaining her, they tried doing them
part but she knew what she was getting into, she knew it all along and also the
fact that it was too little too late.
He had taken everything away from her: her dreams, her hopes
and broken every bond that existed before he stepped into her life. His
insecurities played well on her as he made sure that he was her only companion
for life and forever. She would fall victim to his lustful games.
She wasn’t enjoying bring treated like filth. Whenever she
tried breaking away from him she just couldn’t do it. Sometimes he would lock
all her doors and mostly it was her fucking fate and her dying courage that
blocked her ways of breaking out. Love can be the biggest strength; a strength
that can stand against all odds and break down the restraining walls, but for
her love had become this insane madness which was weakening every nerve and
every speck of valor inside her. She
knew that she couldn’t stand up to him so she decided to resume silence as a
sign to show her resentment but even her silence had been mistaken for
weakness, thus taken for granted.
He would threaten and she would act “I am not afraid of you;
there is nothing you can do to Me.” but her heart was aware of the fact that
she did feared him.
The worst part was after knowing and understanding
everything she surrendered herself to him. For him she was always at his beck
and call so he had never thought of getting rid of her, thus continued doing
whatever he wished to do with her. He was taking over her, dominating her body
and her soul and the only reason behind it- she was letting him do whatever he
wanted to do with her, she didn’t rebel against him and for her: she lost
herself the day she met him.
Both weren’t obligated in any way or tied in any knot to
stay together but then why she had been suffering for long? Thought she was
suffering at least he was still with her. The thought that he was with her in
some strange obnoxious way was somehow making her go ahead in her life.
The myth of him being with her shattered when one morning
she found him missing from their home. She tried searching him around, asking
the neighbors but when she couldn’t find him anywhere she rushed to the police.
They questioned her and then after four stressful days spent wandering at the
police she found the reality behind the man she fell for, the man she lived
with and was in some cornered hopes of spending her life.
They made her settle down in a dark room and told her the
truth “Aditya Mehra, the person you reported missing isn’t missing after all.
We are sorry to inform you ma’am but the man you’ve been living with is a
wanted criminal…..”
“Wanted criminal?
What are you saying? No its impossible Adi can never commit any crime,
no way there must be some misunderstanding please sir re-check your records it
must be someone else, you people must’ve been mistaken Adi can never do such a
thing.” Said she defending the man who had betrayed god knows how many times.
“….ma’am we can understand your position but you cannot deny
the truth he is a fraud, a crook, he fooled you and then ran away. He is a
criminal. See, check these records these are the places he stayed, robbed and
ran away from please ma’am trust us he is a criminal.”
Furious she stormed out of the policed station driving back
to her place. No, no, no there was no way he was going to be a criminal. He
couldn’t be a crook so she took some of her essentials, locked her house and
went to find him. She drove down to every nook and cranny but she couldn’t
locate him. The police couldn’t declare the man who had some point of time made
promises to her. The police was keeping an eye on her too but they knew she was
harmless; she was just another victim to false love games.
With every hope of finding him dying she was becoming
restless and losing a piece of herself as well. Nothing made sense to her.
Hopeless, restless and out of herself she drove back to her place and told the
police “you were right I guess love is blind.”
He leaving her was the most shattering part of her life
because all her hopes had been buried and she had become dead. He left her in
peace but left her shredded and all she did was lament her loss. Love can make
life, but at times love can break life too. He had left but his presence
haunted her, no matter where she was he was in her thoughts, in her mind, in
her conversation and most of all in her heart. What was unusual was the fact
that she had been wasting herself after a man who had been tormenting her soul
for so long and now even though she freed herself but her soul had still been
longing for him. She didn’t for once feel that he left her rather felt
abandoned now that she was all by herself. His subsistence was going to remain
unfaded forever.
and for her: she lost
herself the day she met him.
This wasn’t the first time since he left she tried all the
tricks in the book to end herself:- slicing her wrist open and watch the blood
go wasted, banging her head on the mirror till it shattered, taking sleeping
pills for a subtle death , even tried hanging herself but nothing worked her
way and she somehow managed to escape death every single time. Her existence
without him had lost every meaning. She wanted to get lost; she had to get lost
as she realized that she was steadily losing control on herself.
Sometimes she would lock herself in the bathroom, turn the
shower on and cry, just cry her throat out, cry till she couldn’t take it
anymore, she cried till her throat was croaked. Her tears would burn her skin
but still she would continue to cry at the top of her voice. Nothing could bring down her pain, not even
put herself to some ease rather it all piled upon her despondence. Her will to
hold on anymore was breaking away. There was this void inside her which was
sucking her in with irresistible impeccable force. Her heart had been bleeding for him to
return.
So she decided at the dead of night she rushed to her car
and searched around insanely trying to find something, any clue that would lead
her to him. She tore the glove compartment and found three bottles sealed. She
went with her instinct and swallowed all the bottles at one go.
Drunk and out of her mind she pulled up the gear and drove
into the darkness leaving all her cares up in the air. She was driving and
driving maybe trying to find the end to the road. She was constantly thinking
about him and how easily he made use of her and when he didn’t needed her
anymore he left her, how every promises he made were false and everything was a
lie but a part of her still believed in all those lies and fake promises. It hurt her to believe in something that
didn’t exist in her world but then she couldn’t erase her past forever. Completely Lost in his memories, his haunting
memories she lost track of time and her ways, invited upon herself her
impending doom.
The present day….
Shocked and tired she was awaken by the sun blinding her
eyes. Looking around she found she was in her room, lying, sleeping for a long
time. Her eyes were searching for his presence but he wasn’t there. She
realized she was out of her illusion. The nightmare was finally over, the
mirage was broken she had become numb towards everything, now that she just
attained the truth that no matter how much tried reaching him she was running
into nothing, she had been wasting away all the while losing herself over
meaninglessness and now that she had freed herself from all chains that held
her in and she was now limitless and ready to take upon the sky……she just
realized she was alive after all…
